Bernie Sanders Drops Out of Presidential Race to Once Again Become Mayor of Burlington, VT

BURLINGTON – The swamp of D.C. and the left coast of Vermont continued to be shaken to their institutional core this week.

Besieged by critics, seriously wounded by the mall delay and fatally scarred by the police scandal, Mayor Weinberger announced his immediate resignation. The mayor and his family will return to New York city where he will become the visiting lecturer at Columbia University’s urban studies department teaching the course, “Everything You Wanted to Know About a Development Mayor but were Afraid to Ask.”

Almost simultaneously, Bernie Sanders stunned supporters and opponents alike by withdrawing from the Presidential race. This came on the heels of the release of his medical report. The salient finding indicated that “While in good health for his elderly condition, Senator Sanders demonstrates the usual aging characteristics of a 77-year-old. It recommended that the best protocol for an extended life is to live in a town with cryogenic weather.” Upon hearing this and consulting with family and aides, the Senator announced his return to his beloved hometown, Brrrrlington.

“Sisters and Brothers” Bernie called out in his withdrawal speech, “it is time to return home. I look forward to seeing you all waiting in traffic on North Avenue as three bikes a day whiz by on the bike lane.”

Upon hearing the news about their hometown hero, the Burlington City Council convened and unanimously selected Bernie as the interim Mayor, despite rumors that he once said several years ago that no city council members could ever become president.

Senator Sanders immediately accepted and announced he would continue serving as Senator as well. “After all”, he said, “I haven’t been to D.C. since I started running for President six years ago.”

Bernie’s first act was to contribute his entire campaign war chest to the city of Burlington. He said his first 100 days will be committed to reopening a tuition free Burlington College with Jane Sanders as President; repurchasing Burlington Telecom and pouring concrete in the hole in the ground and turning it into a tent city for socialist refugees who will no doubt flee north after Donald Trump is reelected President.

Calls by “Seven Days” to interview the new Mayor were ignored.

Image Credits: VPR.

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