BURLINGTON – Faced with increasingly low morale in the department, Burlington Mayor Miro Weinberger has informed the officers of the BPD that they had better lift their spirits unless they want a fourth new acting chief with even fewer qualifications than the current one. Jon Murad, who replaced the last several police chiefs a few weeks ago, is not, technically, qualified to lead the police department, having been out of the business for years as an actor and then in the private sector. He has not completed required training at the facility in Pittsford, nor has he completed the required field training to be a detective. Even so, the mayor has promised to find someone even worse if the department can’t get it together.
“Why is morale so low?” questioned Mayor Weinberger. “You need to raise it, and you need to raise it now, or there will be severe consequences. I told you if you didn’t smile more, I’d put Jon in charge. That hasn’t seemed to motivate you. But I swear, I can find someone who hasn’t even played a cop on television to lead the department! Now get out there and be more satisfied! Or else!”
Officers seem afraid to speak out, not wanting to suddenly be under internal investigation for revealing non-classified, public information to the public, although privately they say that all of the threats and incompetence is having the opposite of the desired effect: lowering morale even further.
“It’s weird,” said one anonymous BPD officer, “but all the harassment, fear, threats, and frequent leadership changes aren’t making me any happier at all. Oh, and guess what! It turns out nobody likes being told to smile. Who would’ve thought?”
Acting Chief Murad says everything is going great, as far as he can tell. He claims to be unaware of any tension in the department. “There was way more tension on The X-Files. Nobody trusted anybody, and strange stuff was happening all the time. This seems way better. And nobody is coming to me to tell me about their low morale, so I assume it’s at a fine level. I mean, my personal morale is through the roof!”
Image Credits: VTDigger.