COVENTRY – As the state contemplates using bovine flatulence as an alternative to wind power, local purveyor of illegal substances Doug Deeler got confused and thought he saw a way to make a profit. “I thought, like, cows farted methane gas, that was was like, y’know, made of meth. I thought I’d found my own way to break wind and break bad at the same time.”
Jesse Pinkman, currently the only known surviving business partner of Walter White’s thriving New Mexican methamphetamine empire, reportedly called Deeler to discuss turning cow farts into crystal in the Green Mountain State. When The Winooski reached out to Pinkman, his only response was a cryptic, “Yeah science!”
“Yeah, science, indeed!” emphasized Deeler.
After months of silence, during which this intrepid reporter sat, twiddling their thumbs, we received a call from Monty Verr, owner of Crystal Confections in Coventry, who said that he and Deeler had opted to take their partnership in a legal direction. “Deeler, Pinkman, and I will manufacturing blue crystalline sugar candies of all shapes and flavors under the Yeah, Science label, and donating 100% of the profits to beleaguered chemistry teachers battling cancer, in memory of Walter White.
“It’ll take some time before we get this meth, er, mess, of an operation going said Pinkman.
Before production begins Monty Verr said that the surviving members of the White family (widow Skyler, son Junior, and daughter Holly) have agreed to act as a focus/taste-test group for possible crystal candy flavors.
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