Burlington Finally Solves Parking Problem

BURLINGTON – Residents of Vermont’s largest city are reporting a sudden wealth of parking spaces all around the downtown area, after years of complaining that there wasn’t enough. Mayor Miro Weinberger has taken full credit for the improved situation, and says that he expects the parking availability to continue to improve over the next several weeks.

“Ever since I became mayor,” Weinberger said in a statement read from his home, six feet away from the camera, “there has been one issue that people have consistently contacted me about, and that’s parking. And I’m happy to say we’ve solved it. If I’d known it was this easy, I would have quarantined everyone years ago!”

All bars and restaurants are closed in Burlington today, and will close at 2 PM across the entire state, with exceptions for take-out and delivery services. Also, people are being advised to work from home, schools will be closed after this afternoon, and gatherings of 50 people or more are now prohibited.

“I know this creates an economic hardship for a lot of people,” Weinberger said, coughing into his elbow, “but it’s going to save lives. And, at least for now, there is more than enough parking for everyone.”

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