SOUTH CANADA – South Canadian President Charlene “Skunk” Bedard announced this morning that she is considering closing the borders of the tiny country to foreign visitors in order to combat the spread of COVID-19. There are currently no reported cases of the novel Coronavirus in South Canada, but citizens are nevertheless concerned, and annoyed that they were not included when the US and Canada closed their own borders.
“We ain’t been that worried up in here,” President Bedard told press, “on account of we haven’t had no visitors or nothin’ for about, oh, I don’t know, six months or so. But apparently somebody saw some guy snoopin’ around the border lookin’ for toilet paper or some such nonsense, and now people are gettin’ scared. We don’t want none of them zombies comin’ over here and eatin’ our TP or nothin’. Might be time for a little preventative medicine.” Bedard then hoisted a shotgun over her head and led the crowd in a rousing chant of “Kill the zombies!”
Speaker of the House, 17-year-old Madison James, called for an immediate shutdown of the country’s schools, citing the need to flatten the curve, as well as an essay on global economics that is due on Friday that she hasn’t started yet. This suggestion garnered a lot of support from the rest of her class, although not everyone was in agreement.
“I’m not sure what that would do to the economy,” said Treasury Secretary Alan Fletcher. “Parents would have to stay home from work to take care of their kids, businesses would close, it would wreak total havoc! And we don’t even have any cases in our country! And nobody has visited our country since October! And Ms. James should have started her essay weeks ago!”
Defense Secretary Brad Wetherby said he has no problem closing the borders, and in fact his military has been looking for something to do anyway. “I’m not sure what’s going on down in the US, some sort of virus, but I think I heard somewhere that it was zombies. Yeah, I could kill me a few zombies. Bring ’em on!”
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