WINOOSKI – Forced by the corona virus pandemic to stay in their houses and work from home, thousands of American workers are now discovering that they are married.
“I finally spent some time in my house – well, I’m pretty sure it’s my house – and there was this woman in there and she said she was my wife,” said corporate attorney Bill Constant-Lee, who admits that until the work from home order he was at the office nearly 24/7. “Honestly, she did look sorta familiar but when she said we were married I didn’t believe it at first, but she showed me the wedding pictures. Turns out she has been living in my house the whole time!”
And it’s not just professionals who are learning to their shock that someone is living in their house and claiming to be their longtime spouse. Shift workers hustling two or three gigs to make ends meet, like Ronald Enron, who washes cars during the day and restocks supermarket shelves and drives an Uber car at night, also just found out that his roommate was his wife. “I got laid off my day job so now I’m actually spendin’ time in my apartment, ya know? To tell ya the truth I barely knew where I lived! So I see a pic of me and one of my roommates standin’ next to each other and she’s in a weddin’ dress, and I’m like, hey WTF! She’s playin’ video games and I says to her, hey moochbag, what’s up with this? Well, come to find out, she’s not just my roommate! We been married for like fifteen years! I totally forgot and thought she was just helpin’ out with the rent – which she’s always totally late on, by the way. Funny thing is, sometimes she called me for Uber rides home from the tanning salon where she works and we never discussed that we was even married! I’d be asking her stuff about her job an s*** and askin’ if she had a boyfriend! Imagine bein’ so busy tryin’ to make a livin’ that you totally forgot you were, like, married?”
Enron’s other two roommates, ages 8 and 11, say they miss their friends from school during the shutdown, but are happy to see their father again, even if he does eat most of the good snacks,