WINOOSKI – As retail establishments begin to open up this week, many Vermonters are zipping up their enormous protective bubbles and heading back to work. Still careful to stay six feet away from other humans, even while fully bubbled, retailers are preparing for what experts are calling, “the even newer, even normaler.”
“We’re not expecting any customers to actually approach the register,” said Byron Geddunfree, owner of In A Pickle, Winooski’s only shop devoted entirely to pickles. “We’re training our sales clerks to be ready to catch any money that’s thrown at them from across the store, and I’ve already upgraded our staff protective bubbles with megaphones, so customers can hear them from a greater distance. If you’ve never seen a pickle store full of human hamster balls, throwing things and screaming into megaphones, well, then you haven’t been to In A Pickle this week.”
Some workers are reluctant to go back to work before a vaccine is created for the COVID-19 virus, but employers are giving staff the option to stay home a bit longer if they feel unsafe.
“Obviously some people are sick of being home, and can’t wait to get back into our disease-ridden world,” Geddunfree noted, “but I do have one employee who has asked to work from home a little longer, just until we see how many of, now let me see, how they put this? Oh yeah, ‘until we see how many of the first wave of idiots winds up dead in a few weeks.’ And I said that was no problem. We just got that individual an even louder megaphone and some binoculars. They can cashier from home. These days we just make it work.”
This one will get me to be a Patreon
This is, perhaps, our favorite comment of all time.
Will my Body Condom(tm) be acceptable? It’s ribbed for Social Distancing(tm)!