SOUTH CANADA – After a daring heist that saw almost $80,000 US in South Canadian money being taken from a local bank, the government of South Canada is reporting that they have apprehended the thieves and recovered almost all of the stolen dirt. The dirt was taken on Saturday night at around 2 am and was back in the bank by Monday evening.
“It was an awful feeling,” said bank manager Bill Teller, “to walk in and see most of the bank missing. I almost fell into the pit where the bank used to be!”
Teller says he was driving by the Missisquoi River Bank on Sunday morning when he noticed that something was off. “The river was running a little faster than it should have been, and when I pulled over to the side, I saw that a large chunk of the bank was just, well, gone! I called the army immediately.”
“Me and Hillary were still asleep when I got the call,” said Secretary of Defense Brad Wetherby. “But I sprang into action, got the guys together, and we drove around town, I mean country, looking for the dirt. It’s not actually a lot of area to inspect, just over 40 square miles, so we found it in somebody’s yard pretty quick. Can’t say who cause of laws and stuff. Or can I? I forget. I’ll check with Madison and let you know later if I can let you know.”
Wetherby says he hopes the quick resolution of the incident will act as a deterrent to future would-be criminals in the small country. “Our military is swift and efficient,” he said, “so don’t even think about going dirty.”