Vermont Agency of Education Memos Reaffirm Their Commitment to the Obvious

MONTPELIER – After reading this actual line from the Agency of Education’s weekly field memo of June 25th, 2020, “The Vermont single-use products law will go into effect on July 1, 2020. It has just come to the attention of AOE that school meals programs will be impacted by this law,” The Winooski was able to get our hands on some other recent memos from the AOE, highlighting their commitment to the obvious. The memos, dating from November of 2019 to July 6th of 2020, are as follows:

“Water is apparently wet. This has just been brought to our attention. Guidance is forthcoming for school districts that may be associated with water in any way.”

“Although every school district in the state has already finalized distance learning plans, as per an earlier mandate, it has come to our attention that spending money on resources will make the AOE look good. It’s likely that only a handful of educators will use these sites, but in the interest of keeping things fun and mysterious we will not collect data on usage. Please visit Edmodo and Lexile for more information, as guidance will not be forthcoming.”

“It has come to our attention that both children and adults breathe, as often as 113 times a day. If respiration is an issue in your district, please get in touch with the AOE.”

“Having recently noticed that many of Vermont’s students eat meals from at least Monday to Friday, if not more frequently, the AOE is offering guidance to schools where eating may occur. If eating is an issue in your district, please contact the AOE through form 189-B. We have a hyperlink to the form here. While the link can technically be accessed using Internet Explorer 2002, it definitely will not work.”

“Over the past few weeks, the AOE has been made aware that some students struggle to read. Guidance, in the form of us reading off of PowerPoints in a monotone, may be accessed for those with last names A to N in March of 2024, and those with last names Q to Y in April of 2027.”

“At some point in 1777, the Vermont state constitution required universal education. This has just come to our attention. If you are a state, a constitution, a universe, a university, or education, please contact the AOE for guidance. General guidance for anyone who is not a state, a constitution, a universe, a university, or education will be forthcoming, but only if you ask nicely.”

“The AOE has just learned about a statute, passed February 28th, 1797, regarding, ‘all fences four feet and half high, and in good repair, confifting of rails, timber, board or ftone…fhall be deemed legal and fufficient.’ If your district has fences which are fufficient, or fences which are fufficient but below four feet and half high, guidance will be forthcoming. If your fences fufficient but are not made of ‘rails, timber, board or ftone,’ please ignore this meffage.”

“It has just come to our attention that we are the AOE. If this applies to us, or to Vermont’s children, we will wait patiently for guidance. Guidance may or may not be forthcoming, but we remain committed to ourselves.”