Vermont Fakes Higher COVID Numbers to Keep Flatlanders Out

MONTPELIER – Vermont Governor Phil Scott admitted early Monday morning that he had tried to falsify the state’s coronavirus numbers in an attempt to keep visitors from crossing the border. Vermont has been the only state with infection numbers trending downward, but this has changed in the last week, as many disease-ridden idiots have mis-read the statistics as an invitation to visit.

“I do apologize for what I did,” the governor told press in a Zoom conference from his bathroom. “I want you all to know that I take data and science very seriously, and I would never mislead or misrepresent facts to the people of our great state. I only tried to lie to non-Vermonters.”

The governor was referring to an incident last Friday, when he told members of the Associated Press that Vermont had a 7% infection rate, with cases dodecajoubbling in the last week. The new numbers were not reported nationally when, in an unusual turn of events, the members of the press decided to fact check his claims before printing them.

“The numbers I reported to you all were correct,” Gov. Scott said, referring to his regular briefings to Vermonters on the pandemic. “But they didn’t seem high enough to deter outsiders from showing up at our lakes and beaches. Non-COVID areas are becoming very popular with tourists, but the last thing we want is people from infected areas crossing our borders to hide out in their cabins and summer homes. So I told the national news outlets that we had eleventy jillion new cases. This was wrong, and I regret my words.”

Gov. Scott closed by promising not to falsify higher numbers externally ever again, but mentioned that if Vermont residents wanted to exaggerate the effects of the pandemic in our state, or at least cough a little when speaking with out-of-state friends and relatives, he would understand completely.

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