Local School Boards Promise to Have Re-Opening Plans in Place By Christmas

WAITSFIELD – The Harwood Unified Union School District had spent months working on a re-opening plan for the fall. Vetted by teachers, parents, and community members, the plan aimed to follow the most recent research as best as they could, but now, with Gov. Scott ceding authority for school re-openings back to the districts, the school board has decided to change everything.

“We had no idea we had this much power!” stated school board chair Caitlin Hollister. “Now we can do whatever we want, and we all want different things! Yes, I realize that by the time we sort it all out the kids will have been back to school for several months already, but I think it will be a really nice Christmas present to the community for us to have a plan for September ready to go by then.”

Districts across the state are now creating plans that vary widely from one another, with some districts like Mill River opting for remote learning only, while others like Burlington choosing to throw all the local children in the giant downtown pit and hope at least one of them builds affordable housing.

“We figured we were going to get some pretty strong guidance from Gov. Scott,” said one board member in Manchester, VT, “but it turns out we don’t even have to wear masks! So we’re not going to. We do have some optional masks available for those who want them, but we cut out nose and mouth holes so they can breathe better.”

South Burlington has moved to a model where students will alternate days in the building based only on race, a plan they were pressured into by the community who threatened to vote down the school budget if the school system couldn’t somehow become slightly more racist again.

Teachers in Woodstock will be given flame throwers and are expected to fire blast their rooms at the end of each day. No items made of paper or wood will be permitted in the classrooms.

Otter Valley has decided to bring kids in one at a time, for maximum safety. The 1300 students will be split up over the 180 days of school, with each student going to school for one hour, one day of the year. The remaining 179.86 school days will be spent online playing Fortnite.

“Some parents are furious that we’re even considering opening the schools at all,” admitted a board member from Milton, “and other parents are sending us threats that if we don’t fully open back to normal full time they’re going to literally drive their trucks over here and shoot us. It’s going to be a while before we decide on anything I think.”

“We’ve heard a lot about what the other districts are doing,” Hollister said, “and they all have really different approaches. A lot of them are changing their approaches week by week. I think we need to stay flexible, and just see where things take us. Like I said, I’m not guaranteeing we’ll have a plan by the end of December, but I’m hopeful.”

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