WASHINGTON – In an unprecedented decision, in an effort to appeal to more voters, Joe Biden has asked for a vice presidential “squad” rather than one running mate. Since the main question isn’t “Who is best qualified?” but “Who can secure us the most votes?”, in addition to Kamala Harris, Biden’s choice will include Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to appeal to the young and the Latino voters, Tulsi Gabbard for military veterans, Amy Klobuchar for the Midwest/heartland, and Elizabeth Warren for the Native Americans.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg reportedly turned down Biden’s request to join the VP Squad, saying that her duties on the Supreme Court would keep her too busy. Biden’s team is looking elsewhere for a squad member to secure the elderly vote, having reached out to both Maxine Waters and Betty White.
Although not officially confirmed at the time of his announcement, Dr. Deborah Birx is expected to join the squad as an appeal to the sick and worried across the country. The most surprising “ask” was to current Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos. When asked about this choice, Biden simply replied, “We’ve got to keep that woman occupied somewhere else.”
Biden says having multiple VPs will invigorate his campaign, and will potentially be picking one final member of the squad at random at one of his campaign rallies, Price is Right style, for the “everyman vote.” His new campaign slogan will be “Something and Someone for Everyone.”