LYNCHBURG – Despite repeated denials in regards to leaving his role at Liberty University, Jerry Falwell Jr. announced that he is indeed stepping down to focus on the family, as well as their new pool boy Juan-Pedro. Falwell claims that his family needs him at home during this difficult time, and that their newest employee will need “a lot of training.”
“I deeply regret my actions, none of which I actually took,” Falwell said in a statement on Christagram, a new social media service that he started yesterday which he hopes will be a more Christian alternative to Instagram. Falwell has been upset with Instagram ever since they allowed him to accidentally post that photo of himself with his pants unzipped and his arm around his wife’s young, pregnant assistant.
Falwell asked the media for privacy at this difficult time, and especially for privacy when he is out at the pool house with his wife and Juan-Pedro for intensive training sessions. The pool house currently has large windows made of glass, which unfortunately is often see-through, and Falwell says he won’t be able to get black-out curtains and sound-proofing up until next week at the earliest, so he would love some privacy in there until then.
Some fans of the disgraced LU president were concerned about the fact that Juan-Pedro is an undocumented Latino immigrant and took to the internet to express their outrage, but were quickly mollified when Falwell told them, “It’s fine.”
“I get it,” commented @Road2Damascus72 on Christagram. “Obviously the Lord is speaking to Mr. Falwell in a new way. I look forward to hearing what other things are fine for him to do, even though the Bible and Jesus say they’re wrong and evil.”