WASHINGTON – In a newly released audio recording, which we were originally going to call “shocking,” but, let’s be honest, nothing is shocking anymore, Temporary President Donald Trump is heard asking advisor Hope Hicks to give him “the dirty Asian flu” so that he can breathe all over political rival Joe Biden at the debate. Hicks was thought to have been diagnosed with the virus just after the debate, but it looks as though the White House may have known much earlier about her condition.
“That dummy is always wearing a mask, we ‘ve only got one shot at this,” TP Trump is heard saying. “Here, come over here and breathe on me, maybe lick me a little. Come on, do it. You like your job Hope? Lick me.”
In the recording TP Trump lays out his plan to release as many particles into the air as possible by literally speaking loudly the entire time, even when others are attempting to speak.
“This is going to be the one time he’s not masked, we’ve got to take him down. This thing is a killer, but I think I can get enough virus out there to get him. Believe me, I know a lot about spreading disease. Nobody spreads disease like I do. If I’d been around during the black plague, they wouldn’t have needed rats, that’s how good I am.”
Biden did not respond directly to the new information, but his campaign confirmed that he is being tested immediately and will quarantine for 2 weeks or until he receives negative test results. Former US President Barack Obama expressed concern for Biden’s health and outrage at the actions taken by the White House which he will detail in his upcoming book, “The Audacity of Hope Hicks.”