Masks and Your DNA – CDC Issues New Guidelines

WASHINGTON – In news that has shocked the medical establishment and promises to create more confusion than already exists, the CDC has released new guidelines with regard to wearing masks. “The effectiveness of masks during this time of Covid-19 is directly related to your DNA.” The statement, uncharacteristically curt for the CDC, was released on Twitter at 12:30 AM Tuesday morning.

The brief statement continues: “More important than tests for the virus, you should have your DNA sequenced and tested prior to wearing a mask.” In news equally shocking, The Winooski has learned Dr. Sean Conley, President Trump’s physician, re-tweeted the statement 1400 times, each time using an alias. “Dr. Who,” “Dr. Know,” “Dr. What” – these are among the names used that first aroused suspicion as to the accuracy of the CDC’s new criteria. We contacted Dr. Conley’s office. He was unavailable for comment as he was out for a ride with his boss.

Brenda Fitzgerald, M.D., head of the CDC since 2017 and board certified in obstetrics and gynecology, explained the rationale for the change in guidelines: “We have learned that some families carry a gene which makes wearing a mask more dangerous to their ego than is worth the risk.” When pushed on the science that supports the decision, she had to excuse herself to take another call.

The Winooski contacted Dr. Francis Collins, director of the National Institutes of Health and discoverer of genes that cause a number of diseases – his work led to the Human Genome Project. “I haven’t had time to read the full report,” said Dr. Collins. When told the “report” was only 202 characters long, including punctuation and spaces, he apologized for having to leave. “I am working from home and have to walk the dog,” he explained.

A brief zoom call with Dr. Anthony Fauci ended abruptly as he muttered something unintelligible under his breath and put his head in his hands before cutting our conversation short.

Jared Kushner tweeted later in the morning: “Finally we are getting guidance from the CDC that we can trust! Four more years @realDonaldTrump!” There is some suspicion that The White House is influencing both the science and the flow of information. The question is: Why?

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