New Food Labels Aim to Lower Stress By Downplaying Calorie Counts

WASHINGTON – Food and Drug Administration (FDA) Commissioner Stephen Hahn has announced new guidelines for food labeling. “In line with the Trump Administration’s belief that if we tested less for Covid-19 we would have fewer positive cases, we are directing food processors and packagers to reduce by 35% the number of calories from fat and sugar listed on all food labels.” When pressed as to whether this meant food would have reduced fat and sugar content, Commissioner Hahn responded: “Oh, no! Not at all. The American people – especially in Texas – would never put up with that!”

Hahn went on to explain: “During this extended pandemic, which is only as bad as it is because we are testing so much, President Trump recognizes the need Americans have for comfort foods. If people think their food is healthier than it actually is, they will eat more and feel better … at least emotionally … for a little while.”

The new label for the McDonalds Big Mac hamburger

Center for Disease Control (CDC) Director Robert Redfield has instructed researchers, physicians, biologists, astrophysicists and anyone who has played the part of a doctor in film or television to join the hunt for new drugs to offset the diabetes, depression, gallbladder, kidney and liver diseases that will accompany the anticipated dramatic weight gain across the country.

White House physician Dr. Sean Conley could not be reached for comment; but Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany both confirmed the policy and added: “President Trump sees this as a short-term situation. When he is re-elected he expects to reverse this policy no later than December 1 when a hugely effective vaccine against Covid will be distributed to every American household via FedEx.”

The guidelines go into effect immediately. All foods sold in supermarkets or restaurants have to have the new labels by Monday, November 2. “No new label, no food,” explained McEnany. When asked if this might result in severe food shortages, McEnany responded: “Maybe; but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.”

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