Vermont to House Nation’s Stockpile of Tofu

GROTON – In an event hearkening back to the days when the Dept. of Defense (DoD) was looking for a repository for nuclear waste, The Winooski has learned that Vermont was awarded the contract for a vault that houses the recipe for tofu, including both a sample of ingredients and the instructions for concocting the food all Vermonters love. The code name for the top secret vault is TofuVa.

University of Vermont Geology Professor, Dr. Julia Perdrial, led a team whose mission it was to find a secure underground location for TofuVa. “The thing that enabled us to keep this project secret for so long,” explained Perdrial, “is that anytime anyone saw the word “TofuVa” they assumed it had something to do with a brand of health food in Virginia.”

Some Winooski readers will recall the controversy in the 1980’s when the DoD listed sites in Vermont’s Groton State Forest as potential locations for a nuclear waste repository. Vermont’s stable geological underpinnings provided the rationale for the safety and long-term viability required for such a site. The plan was ultimately scrapped, due in large part to the outcry of citizens throughout the state.

“Tofu is far less dangerous than nuclear waste,” said Dr. Perdrial, “and it can maintain its essential structure and taste almost as long as a good fruit cake.” The project had its beginnings in 2014 when Norwegian Astronomer Dr. Vegard Lundby Rekaa confirmed that Asteroid 2018-VP1 would strike earth on November 3, 2020. (There is no connection other than mere coincidence regarding the asteroid strike and US elections.) When US authorities learned that Oreo Cookies had planned a secure vault to encase their cookies, it was noted that humans cannot live on cookies alone. Thus, the decision to find long-term housing for a more nutritious food that everyone loves.

Upon hearing of the impending doom of the soon-to-arrive asteroid, Vermont’s Gov. Phil Scott said: “All the more reason to vote early.” While Oreo was willing to give out the coordinates for the Oreo Vault so survivors could make their way to the sweet cookie, the location of TofuVa will not be released until the evening of Nov. 2 at 6 PM. Speaking anonymously due to security concerns, one of the engineers who worked on the project explained that officials wanted to avoid the kind of rush on durable goods that was experienced at the rise of the Covid-19 pandemic. “It’s bad enough that people were hoarding toilet paper.” he said. “Can you imagine the chaos if there were a run on tofu?” A silver lining to this crisis is the fact that we turn the clocks back this weekend. “So, 6 PM will really only be 5 PM,” explained the engineer. “That should give people plenty of time.”