WASHINGTON – Exiting President Donald Trump will reluctantly be leaving the White House on Wednesday morning, but he is demanding a full military sendoff as he exits. He has told staff that he is expecting a red carpet leading from the White House doors to Air Force One, a military Color Guard, and a 22-gun salute. He is also asking to be shot out of a cannon, according to one administration official.
“The first thing he told us,” according to Fawn Lackey, “is that he wants his exit to be bigger and better than any exit in history. When we mentioned a 21-gun salute, he told us he wanted a 22-gun salute, which is one more gun than any other president has ever had.”
Advisors have tried to talk President Trump out of being shot from a cannon, citing safety concerns. “We told him that it was too dangerous,” Lackey confirmed, “but that only seemed to make him double down on the plan. He told us that Obama was too scared to do it, and that every other president was too weak and scared to be shot out of a cannon. We did beg him to at least use a net, but he said that the net would look uncool and wasn’t his personal preference. So we said okay.”
The task of aiming the cannon has been left to two White House interns, who are spending the next few days furiously working out calculations in an attempt to ensure that the disgraced politician lands in Air Force One, rather than hitting the side of it.
“We’re pretty confident that we’re going to get him though the plane door,” said intern Kylie Wayoteh, “and if we’re slightly off, well, I think that’s what the red carpet is for.”