Senator Patrick Leahy announced a new mission for the Vermont National Guard. “The Green Mountain Boys will be the premier unit for intervention whenever any government anywhere in the world uses its armed forces or its police to hurt its own people,” said Leahy. “Too many governments are blasting their own citizens, either with police or military forces. That has to stop now.”
The Vermont Air National Guard will be mobilized to quickly stop abuses of civilians, no matter where happening. “No one is more qualified than the Vermont National Guard to step in when civilians are forced to endure illegal and immoral state-sponsored military or police operations,” said John Tracey, Leahy’s Chief of Staff.
“The Vermont Air National Guard is proud to have been chosen to be the unit that protects civilians,” said Col. David Shevchik, the Air National Guard Wing Commander. “Under this new mission, we will intervene in any country where, under color of law, a government is hurting its own civilians. Especially, children.” Civilians are protected from military operations by long-established international law as well as the law of most countries. But that law is being flagrantly violated. “The rule of law is at risk from military and police operations that hurt civilians or civilian property,” said Col. Shevchik. “We will act promptly whenever and wherever such abuses occur, protect civilians, and restore respect for the rule of law.”
Shevchik’s unit is well qualified for the new mission as it knows wrongdoing. The Vermont Air National Guard is currently training by taking off and landing hundreds of times a month with 115-decibel F-35 jets from an airport amidst the most densely populated cities in Vermont. The Air Force said 6,663 Vermonters living in the flight path are brutalized every day. More than 1000 written complaints that the extreme noise of the F-35 is causing severe pain, injury, and distress have been submitted. “The Vermont Air National Guard knows civilian suffering when it sees it. It is exactly the unit we need for this new mission,” said Leahy.
The guard’s first mission will be to put a stop to the Vermont Air National Guard and prevent further harm to residents of Chittenden County. “We’re not sure how we’re going to stop ourselves,” Schevchik admitted, “but we’re sure going to try.”
Who wrote it?
Most of our writers prefer to remain anonymous, so as to avoid awkward family dinners. 😉
Isn’t satire supposed to be funny? Or at least witty? Perhaps the author should take a course Greek comedy and then follow it up with comedic traditions of indigenous cultures worldwide.
This had never occurred to us. We will pass your suggestions along.
In Attempt to Quash Jet Noise, Vermont National Guard Fires Upon Self.
Thanks for this witty and much needed satire.