AUSTIN, TX – The Texas legislature met last night in response to the horrific tragedy in Uvalde and quickly passed a new law that, according to them, will prevent further violence. The bill, which is expected to be signed by Governor Greg Abbott, would prevent the use of the word “gun” in any of the state’s public or private schools, businesses, and public spaces, and would also mandate the removal of any books or media that reference guns or gun violence.
“We are all deeply saddened by the events of this morning,” said Speaker of the House Dade Phelan, whose name we did not make up. “We know that now is the time for decisive action, and if we have learned anything from Florida, it’s that if you don’t talk about something, it doesn’t exist and quietly fades away forever.”
The legislation has drawn criticism from Democrats, who claim that the new law doesn’t go far enough in terms of actually doing anything about guns themselves, and has even ruffled a few conservative feathers across the state.
“I have to say, I don’t prefer it,” said Johnny Dury, owner of Dury’s Boom Boom Stick Shop in San Antonio (formerly Dury’s Gun Shop). I had to file new paperwork with the state this morning, and they’re making me pay the fee to register a new business name and everything. I think Greg Abbott owes me $50.”
The parents of the murdered schoolchildren were not available for comment, as they were too busy weeping for their children and refusing to be comforted, but one school official did say that they would be happy to never hear about guns ever again in their life, which officials took to be a sign of support for the measure.
In related news, the school principal has asked community members to show their support by buying tickets for next week’s high school production of “Annie Get Your.”