ENOSBURG FALLS – With sightings of the troublesome jeezum crows increasing, some store are running out of protective measures against the obnoxious corvids. On Tuesday a young teen in a wheelchair was attacked after the Maplefields she was in ran out of protective measures.
“It was my time of the month, so I stayed in the bathroom long after the rest of my family had returned to the car with the last two Jeezum Scarecrows from the store,” explains Ravenne Goh, 16. “So I wheel my power chair out into the aisles to discover that I’m alone.”
Store manager Mae Pull and stock boy Sigmund Rhett verified that they were both on smoke breaks when the flock of jeezum crows settled in the nearby trees to taunt the girl. “I was so worried for that handicapped girl, because she was insulting them and glaring at them, and they weren’t retreating,” Pull said. “When two of the birds broke into the store and pooped on the kid’s head, I started to cry.”
Rhett, a classmate of Goh’s, laughed as he recalled the scene. “First thing ya gotta understand is that Ravenne kicks ass. Well, not literally, cuz her legs don’t work, but you don’t mess with her. So she gets pooped on by these birds while industriously fashioning a protective barrier between herself and the pests using Yankee ingenuity and duct tape. When that’s done, she whips out her cell phone.”
“The rest of the family was knocked over by a horrible odor, and turns to see skunks piloting planes bearing the South Canadian flag,” said Goh’s mother, who had been waiting in the car.
“Yup, President Charlene “Skunk” Bedard lives up to her name. Skunk used to be our neighbor, but we moved before South Canada left the State. I knew I could count on her Airborne Stinkers to get me out,” Goh said.
The Airborne Stinkers fired their smelly skunk liquid directly at the jeezum crows, disorienting the pests, and giving Goh, armed with her protective barrier, time to zoom to the safety of her family’s van. “I can handle this s***,” says Goh, wiping guano from her hair.
Vermont Governor Phil Scott praised how both Goh and Skunk handled this situation. “I’m hopeful that the stand-off with the Jeezum Crows will heal international relations,” he says referring to the increasing tensions between the state and South Canada after South Canada’s recent pact with St. Pierre and Miquelon.