CHARLOTTE – It wasn’t a typical press conference, held in a barn at the end of a long dirt road dug deep with the frozen echoes of tractor tires etched in yesterday’s mud. A small group of reporters were gathered to hear the middle-aged woman with graying hair and dirty overalls announce that she would seek the highest office in the country. The very first question asked was, “Is this a joke?” But Freida Fuddle is no joke.
The Fuddle Farm has stood in Charlotte for more than five generations, which means six obviously, but we writers like to pretend to be vague about such things. Once central to the community, the old barn is now showing signs of age and disrepair, and the family struggles just to keep the place open. Where once there were over a hundred dairy cows, Freida now keeps fewer than twenty three. Yes, twenty two cows.
“Vermont just isn’t what it used to be,” Fuddle said during her announcement, “and neither is America. I reckon it’s time those boys in Washington started listenin’ to the little folk who have to live with the decisions they’re a-makin’. I know what it’s like t’have t’decide between food an’ heat. This week I chose heat, but I hear there’s some kinda dinner for potential candidates bein’ held later tonight, and that kinda clinched it fer me. I’m gonna be the next President of the United States.”
If you ask Fuddle about her qualifications, she will begin a speech that is off-the-cuff, but that she has clearly given many times before. She will tell you that the time is right for a woman to be president, but that Hillary was far too qualified. According to Fuddle, Americans don’t want someone with any transferable skills or applicable experience, as evidenced by the 2016 election.
“I’m proud t’say I never even voted before,” Fuddle admitted. “But I am registered!” she was quick to clarify. “So I might even know less about the government than Mister Trump. Maybe. Anyway, it’s pretty dang close.”
Where her campaign will take her over the coming months is impossible to predict, but she managed to raise over $72 in the 24 hours following her announcement, and she is going to put that $72.23 to good use, starting with purchasing the domain for www.freidafuddleforpresident.com. She also plans to attend as many state dinners as she can as she begins her US awareness tour. So far she has only planned events in Vermont, but does plan to hold an event in Essex, NY if she still has enough campaign money left for the ferry.
This might just be the best Winooski edition ever, or it might not.