VERSHIRE – In the wake of the scandal that rocked the world of America’s most elite colleges this week, further scrutiny into other programs has revealed widespread fraud at many of the country’s educational institutions, including a report that has seen charges filed against 14 parents and staff members at Vermont’s Mountain School. 11 parents have been accused of bribing staff members and other officials to get their children into the exclusive program.
Of the 11 children who were accepted to the school under false pretenses, ten were given 4-H scholarships, despite having never participated in the program. The eleventh student had joined 4-H at one point, but only received two H’s before being expelled from the organization for what officials will only call a “non-dairy incident.”
The school’s admissions director, Ms. Integrity Nullset, will reportedly plead guilty to nine counts of fraud, one count of racketeering, and one count of photoshopping a cow into a senior portrait. She has refused to speak to the press, however Detlef Fälschung-Unterlagen, the school’s 4-H coach who has been accused of accepting more than $7.2M in bribes, made a statement late yesterday afternoon.
“I deeply regret my actions,” Fälschung-Unterlagen told reporters, reading from a prepared statement. “I have let down my students, my school, my country, and at least two of the H’s, most likely heart and head, possibly hands as well. So many deserving students were denied the chance to participate in this excellent program, while instead the school was filled with obnoxious little s***s who spent most of their time looking for cell signal on the mountain.”