Hell Completely Freezes Over For First Time Since 2015

UNDERWORLD – With the cold temperatures lasting longer than usual this winter, many have been looking forward to the sight of a completely frozen Hell with great anticipation. Much of Hell has been frozen for months of course, but a total ice cover has not happened since 2015 when Donald Trump announced his run for the presidency. Hell had previous frozen over in 2014 as well, but before that not since 2007.

This week, as another cold front sweeps in what many hope will be the final dump of snow, Hell has finally frozen over completely, although officials warn that it may not be safe to walk across. The ice cover needs to be 4″ thick to safely walk on, although skiers and snowshoers with wider weight distribution, or those traveling in a handbasket, may be able to safely pass over ice 2″ thick. The ice over the center of Hell may have finally connected to form a complete cover, but it is assumed to be less than 2″ thick in many places.

For those looking to drive to Hell and back, experts warn that the ice has certainly not reached the 8″-12″ of thickness needed to take a car safely across the underworld. Many trucks and SUVS have been lost or damaged when driving over ice that was too thin, leading to everything from popped tires, to axles that are Hell-bent. Residents are warned especially about attempting to come over Hell via high water areas, as the ice is likely thinner in spots where water may be flowing more quickly underneath.

For now, folks are encouraged to simply enjoy the view of the surface of Hell glistening in the sun, rather than trying to make the trek all the way across to the other side. Instead, enjoy the outskirts of Hell, where the ice should be thick enough to play on for the next few days, or at least until all Hell breaks loose.

UPDATE: For those attempting to drive to Hell via Rte. 7, there are planned lane closures all week due to the paving project. Commuters are furious, although city planners say that the repairs are desperately needed and are done only with good intentions.

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