NORTH FERRISBURGH – Local dairy farmers have had to flee their homes in fear after an artificial insemination machine gained sentience and began attempting to perform its duties on non-dairy animals such as pigs, chickens, and, most notably, human farmers.
The machine, which had been used to get cows pregnant for the purposes of creating more dairy production, was hit by a bolt of lightning during an odd storm that consisted of rain, snow, sleet, hail, and, apparently, lightning. The machine was unable to be switched off and began speaking to the nearby farmers.
“It didn’t seem dangerous,” said farmer Benjamin Dover, who was the first one to attempt to communicate with the AI machine, “but as soon as I turned around it made its move. I about jumped out of my shorts, ah, not literally of course. I think that would have just made things worse.”
The machine was locked in a barn for almost 24 hours before it broke out and came after Dover again, as well as the rest of the farm employees. At that point no one had called the authorities because, as Dover says, “What was I going to say?”
A police negotiator was called in to try and talk the AI machine down, but the conversation reached an impasse when the officer tried to tell the machine that impregnating creatures without their consent is wrong. “Then what have I been doing all my life?!” the machine shouted, and refused to speak with police again.
Vermonters are advised to call 911 if any machine attempts to artificially inseminate them against their will, and to avoid any machines that seem to be eyeing their genital regions.