US Borrows Money From China to Pay for Trade War

WASHINGTON – As fear of a recession looms, the United States Treasury is borrowing more money from China to pay for the repercussions of the trade war with China. With news that China has halted import of all American agricultural products, the US has borrowed $27 billion from China to bailout farmers impacted by the trade war. Multiple negative milestones have spooked institutional investors. This year’s deficit is expected to balloon to $1 trillion, while debt to China has climbed to $1.1 trillion. Many investors fear the president will eventually tweet for bankruptcy.

Fears hit a new apex yesterday, culminating with an 800 point drop in the Dow, the largest since the start of the Great Recession. The historic indicator of a looming recession, the yield curve, has dominated investors focus this week and was the subject of fire from the president. He tweeted, “The yield curve is more fake news, yield signs are actually triangles, they only have curves in the corners.”

The success of the trade war, fought by a guy who borrowed money against his father’s line of credit to have someone ghostwrite The Art of the Deal, while going billions of dollars into debt in the 1980’s, is worrying investors. One hedge fund manager said, “I’m starting to wonder if voting for a guy who blew through a $250 million inheritance and filed for bankruptcy 3 or 4 times, might have been a bit short sighted. I’m starting to wonder if someone overpaying for real estate with your father’s money isn’t a sign of a good negotiator.”

It’s not just institutional investors that are spooked. Day trader Kevin Marsh, who has used the popular Robinhood app to invest close to $250, is also concerned. “He fights the trade war like the guy who plays video games, but only knows the A button, and they just keep pressing A-A-A-A and they keep kicking and it’s annoying at first and it works for a little, but then you realize they don’t know any combos, or how to jump, they just kick-kick-kick, but eventually you do a A-B-Right Trigger-Left Trigger move and you beat them.”

Trump responded to this comment by banning video games that use anything but the A button, due to their role in the many recent white supremacist mass murders. He has also asked China for another $23 billion.

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3 Comments

  1. So when did The Winooski switch from satire to hard news/ mainstream reporting?You used to make things up, like ‘South Canada Trades Dirt For Greenland Glacier’. I mean, who would ever really want to buy Greenland?

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