Bernie Supporter Looks to Expand Base By Harassing Elizabeth Warren Voters

WILLISTON – Supporters of Bernie Sanders are working tirelessly to expand the senator’s base of support by harassing people online and in person. The Winooski caught up with one Bernie supporter, Kevin Shanty, a twenty-four year old, who goes by the online handle @BernieorBustanut. Kevin allowed us to follow him around for the day as he worked shore up support for his candidate of choice. We met Kevin at a Petco in Williston, Vermont.

“This Petco is where I do a lot of my political work,” he told The Winooski as he wheeled a shopping cart with a glass terrarium. “Unfortunately Petco only sells mainstream pets, so it was a lot of work finding rats to send to Pete Buttigieg. Pete’s already shown that he’s a rat when he endorsed Biden. Look at his stupid face, he’s a rat,” he said as he began eyeing the snakes for sale. “Unfortunately corporate pet stores don’t sell any venomous snakes, but I’m planning on sending these to Elizabeth Warren’s campaign headquarters and her personal address.”

Picking up a dozen snakes, he told the paper he was inspired by the snake emoji. “The key is to cut a couple holes in the box so the pets can breath, but you also don’t want the post office to know that you’re shipping live reptiles. Ideally I would do overnight shipping, but it’s way too expensive and I’m already trying to pay down my Discover card after I maxed out $2,800 donating to Bernie. It’s worth it, he said he will wipe out all credit card debt.”

We discussed concerns about the possible ceiling of Bernie’s base of support, which seems to cap at about 25% in each state. “The only way we win this election is to sexually harass Bernie’s opponents, their supporters and to find a balance between not quite threatening physical violence and implying there will be consequences,” he told us, using air quotes frequently. “Elizabeth Warren should have dropped out of the race when Bernie had his heart attack and shown solidarity. I wish she would we realize that if this was the 1600’s she would be subjected to the Salem Witch Trials. At this point, I don’t even want her support, she’s basically a far right republican. I’m a total feminist, but I don’t think the country is ready for a stupid elitist bitch in office that taught at Harvard.” When the Winooski reminded Kevin that Bernie lectured at Harvard, he pulled out a snake from his terrarium and started hissing.

We asked Kevin what his plans were if Bernie is not the nominee, “First off, you can you f*** yourself, you’re clearly a corporate democratic insider for even implying that’s an option, Bernie is going to be nominee.” We asked Kevin who he voted for in the 2016, “I obviously voted for Bernie in the primary, but I voted for Jill Stein. If Bernie isn’t the nominee, maybe I’ll write in Tulsi Gabbard.” We asked Kevin if he was concerned about low turnout of young voters that Bernie Sanders has been relying on. “The primary is rigged, okay? Look at Bernie on Twitter or Reddit, all I see is Bernie Sanders. If turnout was low, then why does Bernie have 34 million followers online? I wish I had had the time to vote on Tuesday, but I was too busy volunteering at Petco.”

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1 Comment

  1. I know this is satire, but in this case not by much. I have an old friend from college who literally has become this “Kevin.” As far as I know he hasn’t mailed anyone snakes or rats, but that’s because he probably doesn’t leave his room in his mom’s house.

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