SAINT ALBANS – Officials in Vermont are confirming that they will no longer need to ship prisoners out of state after a new solution has arisen to the issue of overcrowding. By simply keeping the prisoners in close confinement with each other during the spread of COVID-19, the number of open cells is expected to increase dramatically by the end of the year.
“Honestly, we were very surprised by how quickly this has worked itself out,” said Beau L’Enchain, an employee at Northwest State Correctional Facility in St. Albans. “We never suspected that the Coronavirus would try to break IN to a prison! We’re more concerned with trying to keep things from getting OUT!”
More than ten percent of the inmates at the facility tested positive for COVID-19, and the state quickly decided to move the inmates to other prisons around the state, such as Northeast State Correctional in St. Johnsbury. “You can clearly tell by our actions that we want as many prisoners to get this terrible virus as possible,” L’Enchain laughed. “Either that or we really don’t know what we’re doing!”
Governor Phil Scott assured the reporters who Zoom-bombed him from their kitchens that this was not a plot to murder prisoners in the state, but merely a simple misunderstanding. “If anyone had told me that prisons contained more than 10 people who were often in confined spaces less than 6 feet from other people, I would have taken action much sooner. But there was no way we could have possibly known that this insidious plague would affect prisoners. I mean, yes, we were told, but you can’t believe everything you hear these days.”