Chernobyl Re-Opens, Despite Radiation, for “Economic Reasons”

PRIPYAT – In a joint statement between Temporary US President Trump and Permanent Russian President Vladmir Putin, the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant been declared open for business. Workers are expected to arrive Monday morning at 9 AM for their usual shifts.

“We closed the plant when it became unsafe,” Putin said, “but how long do you expect us to keep it closed? We’re talking about many jobs here. It’s been shut down for decades. Don’t you think that’s long enough? It’s time we got back to work!”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Trump agreed. “I’ve been to Chernobyl, probably dozens of times, never had a problem. Not sure why everyone’s so scared of it. In fact, it’s probably the safest place in the world. That could be wrong. But it could be very safe, and you can quote me on that. We’re thinking of sending some American schoolchildren there for elementary school in the fall, distance learning, social distance, going the distance, we’re doing all of it. Joe Biden hates kids, did you know that? He would never send our kids to school at a safe place like Chernobyl. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, I’m just saying, I probably won’t vote for him, that’s all. Did you hear that he drinks blood? I think I remember someone telling me that once.”

Volodymyr Zelensky, the current president of Ukraine, responded to the news by saying that neither the US nor Russia had any say in what happens in Pripyat, and he was surprised to hear that they wanted Chernobyl reopened. “It’s not any safer now than it was when we closed. In fact, it may be less safe. Why on Earth would anyone want to go back? And for God’s sake, who would ever send children?”

“Oh, we’ll talk to Volodymyr,” Putin chuckled. “Trust me, this will all be worked out to my satisfaction.”

US Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that she was also surprised after watching the press conference. “I was very surprised, yes. I thought we started sending public school kids to Chernobyl two years ago. I wrote a memo advocating for it.”