BURLINGTON – Forget about burning that Yule Log, if Burlington City Councilor Pott Ashe has his way. Ashe plans to introduce a Charter Change, concurrent with a required changeover to all electric heat. Getting rid of residential and commercial fireplaces in the Queen City will have a “dramatic impact on reducing global warming,” according to Ashe. “We must assure a total changeover and no cheating by having fireplaces, pellet, or wood stoves to offset the electric mandate.”
Ultra-Progressive Council Person Fiorie Embers agrees. “They are sooty eyesores and dry my sinuses. Get rid of that old technology of burning wood or gas in fireplaces. We already banned firepits, this is the next step,” adding, “Electric logs only in today’s world. Besides, those piles of wood are backyard eyesores to us young professionals. Give us heat pump views.”
The head of the Vermont United Chimney Sweeps Association, Cree O’Sooty, says his group will challenge the proposal in the courts if necessary. The V.U.C.S.A. has hired the law firm of Pellet, Gas, & Grate to fight the amendment. Lawyer Kordell Wood is implicit in having the amendment denied. “How is an electric Yule Log a decent replacement anyway? “This proposal must go down in flames,” he added.
Over at the Crown Point Academy of Design and Home Décor, Headmaster Dermont Castings says this proposal would change the future of interior design at both the residential and commercial levels. “If passed, the ambiance of an active, crackling fireplace would be lost to artificial, electric inserts and bluetooth burning sounds.”
Meanwhile Pott Ashe and his wife Sodah suggest that the next step would be to mandate removal of “all those eyesore chimneys in Burlington,” or face hefty fines. When asked how Santa would make deliveries, a mumbled answer of, “Let him use UPS or FEDEX,” was overheard.