MONTPELIER – A group of Vermont politicians, political lobbyists, and political activists have joined together with White House counselor Kellyanne Conway in releasing a highly politicized press statement asking people who disagree with them to refrain from politicizing the recent mass shooting. The statement deftly makes use of the national tragedy to solidify their political positions, while at the same time building off of the grief of the country to prevent their opponents from effecting any real change.
“This is no time to be making political statements,” the politicians said in their statement, “this is a time to use words like ‘strong,’ ‘freedom,’ ‘America,’ and ‘respect.’ You can’t fix a leaking roof while it’s raining, and to even think about how to fix the roof while it is in the process of leaking would be disrespectful to the roof, and to the person who built the roof back when roofs were great.”
The statement went on to praise the founding fathers and the constitution for three paragraphs before putting forth a clear timeline on when to start talking about the issues of mental illness and gun violence in our country. “We must have a period of respectful cessation of discourse for no less than one year after such a terrible tragedy as this.” A follow-up question as to what would happen if someone else were to murder one or more individuals before that year of political inaction was up was answered by email with “The tribute clock would reset.”
“It is sickening to us,” the statement concluded, “that anyone would try to use this horrible and senseless catastrophe for their own political ends. We hope the American people will remember on election day, which party dragged politics into this.” The statement contained, as a footnote, links to the re-election campaign pages for all participating politicians, as well as donation links to the participating lobby groups and political organizations.