Vermont’s Only Nuclear Button Measurer Finally Gets the Call

RYEGATE – Although many Americans have expressed concern over the president’s latest controversial tweet, one Vermont business is breathing a sigh of relief as they cater to their first official customer. Gabe Michaels, who started “Lazy Gabe’s Nuclear Button Measurements” in Ryegate over six years ago tells reporters that he is thrilled to be vindicated after all this time.

“They told me it was a stupid idea,” Michaels said early Wednesday morning. “My wife in particular said I was just being lazy, which is why I named the company ‘Lazy Gabe’s.’ But I told her, honey, we only need one customer, and then it’s all worth it. And now we actually have two customers.”

Michaels officially registered the business back in 2011, and offers only one service, the measurement of big red nuclear buttons. According to the company’s website the fee for a button measurement is twenty-five million dollars, and Michaels says he was never worried about the price.

“Heck no, the government’s always paying way too much for stuff. I think the army pays like a million bucks a toilet seat or some such, and all I needed was to measure one button, and then I could retire. I’ve been right here on this couch, waiting for that call, and last night I finally got it. The president himself called me up, and I’m heading down to D.C. this afternoon to measure his button for him. And actually we’ve got two clients now. Some nice Asian lady named Kim something-or-other called me up and asked me to come measure a button in one of them Koreas. Course I’ll be at the White House, so I hired my cousin to do that one. Paying him twelve bucks an hour, minus the cost of the measuring tape.”

When asked why anyone would hire an outside company to measure a small desk object, Michaels replied only that “people trust professionals.” Our research shows that Lazy Gabe’s Nuclear Button Measurements is the only company in the country specializing in the measurement of nuclear buttons, although after his success Michaels says he expects copycat companies to appear. But he’s not worried about competition. Michaels plans to close down the company once the two measurements are done and will use the profits to build an underground bunker.

Liked it? Take a second to support The Winooski on Patreon!
Become a patron at Patreon!

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.