SOUTH CANADA – US President Donald Trump met this week with South Canadian President Charlene “Skunk” Bedard to discuss a potential economic partnership between the neighboring countries. The relationship between the two nations has been historically rocky ever since South Canada seceded from the United States in 2017 to become independent. After travel bans, border walls, and military threats, Trump is now willing to sit down with Bedard in the hopes of replacing Canada as a trade partner.
“I think it went really well,” said South Canada’s Treasury Secretary Alan Fletcher, who also attended the meeting. “Mr. Trump asked us to provide up to $600 billion in trade-able goods, and Skunk told him we could do ten dollars, so he said how about $300 billion, and she said how about twenty bucks? I think in the end we were able to reach a satisfying agreement, where we will lift our tariffs on the United States and export up to $2 million per year of South Canada’s most valuable resource, dirt. Land here is going at about a million an acre at the moment, so we’re looking at scraping the top layer off of about 2 acres of land a year and sending down to Vermont in exchange for other goods and services, a military treaty, and official recognition by the US that we are a country. I couldn’t be more pleased.”
The US did formally recognize South Canada as a country last August, but it was later ruled that tweets are not legally binding and so South Canadians are hoping for a more formal recognition, including membership in the United Nations.
President Trump admitted to signing the paperwork described by Fletcher, but said also that he “would see” if he would stick to the legal binding documents. According to White House lawyers, further investigation needs to be done to determine whether or not Trump’s fingers were crossed during the actual signing.
Trump ended the meeting by loudly shouting to the north that South Canada was “way better than any other Canadas,” and that “nobody likes hockey.”