The Winooski

The Winooski

Locally Sourced Organic Vermont Satire

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Month: June 2018

Trump Administration Issues Deportation Order for Von Trapp Family

June 30, 2018 The Winooski 9

STOWE – After what officials are calling a “thorough citizenship examination” of the prominent Von Trapp family who emigrated to Vermont after fleeing the Nazis […]

University of South Canada Grants Honorary Doctorates to All Citizens

June 29, 2018 The Winooski 1

SOUTH CANADA – In an unusual move, the country of South Canada’s only higher learning institution, The University of South Canada (USC) has granted honorary […]

“Everything is Fine” Says Man with No Internet Access

June 28, 2018 The Winooski 1

CHESTER – A man with no cell phone and no internet access of any kind, Oscar Stritch of Chester, VT, is reporting that everything is […]

VT Supreme Court Rules Racism “Is Fine”

June 27, 2018 The Winooski 1

MONTPELIER – Vermont’s highest court ruled this week that racism is “fine,” and not in conflict with the Constitution of the United States or the […]

Larry David to Run for Bernie Sanders’ Senate Seat

June 26, 2018 Connor Batsimm 0

BROOKLYN – In a move that experts are calling “pretty, pretty, pretty good,” Brooklynite comedian Larry David has announced his bid for the Vermont senate […]

Gov. Scott Passes Budget, Glares at It, Keeps Walking

June 25, 2018 The Winooski 0

MONTPELIER – Vermont Governor Phil Scott passed the state budget sitting on his desk yesterday, glanced over at it, made what witnesses are calling an […]

Syrup & Cows #055 – 6/24/18

June 24, 2018 The Winooski 0

Image Credits: Connor Byam.

Five Sisters Neighborhood to Be Replaced by “New Sisters” Apartments

June 23, 2018 The Winooski 0

BURLINGTON – A recent Burlington Community and Economic Development Office (CEDO) white paper calls for razing the Five Sisters neighborhood in Burlington’s south end and replacing […]

Middlebury Student Marries Student Loans – “I Just Know We’ll Be Together Forever”

June 22, 2018 The Winooski 0

MIDDLEBURY – In an unusual ceremony attended by friends, family, and collection agencies, Middlebury graduate Amanda Knope was legally married to her student loans after […]

Colchester Causeway Renovated into Vermont’s First Monster Truck Path

June 21, 2018 Connor Batsimm 0

COLCHESTER – After several months of closure and subsequent reconstruction, the Colchester Causeway is back, bigger and better than ever before. Officials are stoked to announce […]

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