ADDISON – State ornithologist Robin Redd preempted local access television programming across the state yesterday to confirm what many Vermont natives have long suspected: that a new subspecies of corvid has evolved specifically to inhabit the Green Mountain State. “After comparing the living specimens of the new bird to the common crow, we have definitively concluded that this fascinating creature represents a new branch of the evolutionary tree.”
Jeezumnus Krowinski possesses several features which make it adept at thriving in Vermont. Field studies indicate this bird often descends on unsuspecting humans when people are stressed, such as during mud season or rush hour. Being dive-bombed by one or more specimens usually results in the victims yelling, “Jeezum crow!” in surprise or outrage. The attacker then repeatedly taunts its victims, screeching the invective back at them. To frighten the Jeezumnus Krowinski away one need only acknowledge the bird with a glare or an insult. If one does this, the specimen departs, seeming to smirk while issuing a call akin to irritating laughter.
The corvid also appears to have selective hearing capable of deciphering human muttering. One victim, a Mrs. Jay Birdman, recalls repeating the invective under her breath as she watched her wedding ring roll under a dresser. “I was down on my hands and knees, whispering, ‘Jeezum crow, where’d my jewelry go, jeezum crow’ when I hear this weird hissing whisper. I look up, and there’s three of them staring at me through the window, saying softly, ‘Jeezum crow.’ Well, I ran out of my room, screaming, with them hollering after me.”
In the wake of such encounters, locals have begun using Jeezum snow as a substitute. Predictably, the snow sports industry is angry. “Saying ‘jeezum snow’ could freeze the number of tourists,” the proprietor of Snow n Go said coldly.
To stave off a drop in tourism, researchers have thankfully discovered an obvious solution: Jeezum Scarecrows, available at Maplefields across the state.