WINOOSKI – The Russian government has launched an investigation into an American website after Vladmir Putin accused the site of meddling in Russian affairs. Vermont local satire site The Winooski has been providing seemingly harmless social and political commentary for around 18 months, but sources inside the Kremlin claim that it may just be a facade, and that writers connected to the site may in fact be attempting to stop one of Russia’s top goals, the destruction of the United States of America.
The Russian investigators claim that by poking fun at current world events, and especially their top operative inside the U.S., who they only refer to as “Big Hands,” this innocuous site is actually working against the goals of their country. With their top Vermont writer now exposed by Seven Days, the Russians fear that their only operative at VTDigger will be outed as well, leaving them with only the entire staff of the Burlington Free Press to assist them in the Vermont portion of their takeover. Intestigators cite The Winooski‘s recent connection to VTDigger as evidence that the satire site may be close to unmasking their operative.
“This will not stand,” said special prosecutor Ivan Tugedov. “We will not be mocked, and we will not have our national priorities put in jeopardy by American hackers and spies. It goes against everything that is good and right in a democracy. And we love democracies. We’re thinking about getting one of our own in the near future. So be warned, you bad pun makers and fake news generators. We’ve been doing this longer, and we’re better at it. I believe you have an election in a few weeks, yes? We shall see who has the last laugh.”
The Winooski had no comment, but promised never to publish an article mocking the Russians ever again.