BELVIDERE – With deer season well underway, some white-tails have gone to extraordinary lengths to remain alive. In Belvidere, some hunters have reported seeing some of Bambi’s relatives wearing bright orange garments as to protect themselves. Yup, I’ve seen at least six bucks wearing antler wormers,” confirmed veteran hunter John Doe.
John’s wife Jane added, “Seen a lot of blinking red lights in the trees lately. “I think some of them are trying to impersonate Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.”
Meanwhile, in Burlington city officials have filled all open crossing-guard positions with bipedal deer, who take full advantage of the brilliant safety vests as they shepherd children though traffic. Some of the hooved mammals have even turned their red stop signs into protest banners. “Stop hunting us,” while another one reads “Yield to oncoming deer!”
The deer have also pulled up many of the yellow triangle signs with the black silhouette of bucks on them from across the state. The crossing guards use the yellow signs at pop-up rallies, during which they chant, “No more hear the bullets roll! We are deer for gun control!”
Local gun-safety advocates, likee Gunnar Gunderson of Fun ‘n’ Guns, said, “Don’t rightly know if we want to ally ourselves with a prey animal from which many Vermonters git their food.”
Despite their rallies, Burlington mayor Miro Wienberger heaped praise on the new city employees. “For the first time ever, all our crossing guard positions are full. And you don’t have to pay animals. Might as well put that money I would have paid ’em to good use and see if that City Center hole houses a portal to another world. I’ve always loved the idea of Space Force!”