Burlington Officials Accused of Using Illegal Billboards to Mask Beauty of Hideous Construction Site

BURLINGTON – As if Burlington’s beleaguered CityPlace weren’t plagued by having nothing to show for itself but a giant hole, the development is now being challenged by city council member Bill Broad, who claims the signs around the site are big enough to be billboards. “We passed laws in 1968 banning such big signs. These monstrosities prohibit the enjoyment of the scenic views of giant ugly pits our state is known for. According to my measurements, these signs are literal billboards.”

“They are NOT billboards!” yelled Ann Oying, a representative for the mayor’s office.

“They ARE billboards,” retorted several anonymous sources at the State level, who requested their names be withheld for fear of being fired, “Look at the measurements Broad took!”

While Oying and the anonymous sources screamed until both sides had lost their voices, citizen Lee Ug summed up Burlingtonians’ feelings about the matter. “We don’t care what the signs are technically. Objectively, they’re hideous, and we want ’em gone! What are they trying to hide? We want to be able to see the physical representation of failed capitalism!”

CityPlace backer Don Sinex and his associates could not be reached for comment. A sign on their office door reads, “Gone ice fishing at a secure undisclosed location until further notice.”

At press time, supporters of both Oying and Broad were talking about combing through all ice shanties on all frozen lakes “from New England to South Canada” until Sinex is found.

Image Credits: Sally Pollack.

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