WASHINGTON DC – After several criticisms regarding the ineffectiveness of a border wall, President Trump has agreed that the proposed security measure does not go far enough, and is now insisting that he will not reopen the government until funding is in place for a roof that would cover the United States. The national roof is estimated to cost approximately $108 trillion for shingles, $852 trillion for slate, or just over one quadrillion dollars for copper. These estimates are in addition to the cost of the wall itself.
“Don’t ever say I can’t take a suggestion,” Trump said to a press conference consisting of three Fox News Reporters, an inflatable doll dressed like Jim Acosta, and an iPad Pro playing reruns of The Mary Tyler Moore Show. “Nobody takes a suggestion like me. They say people can climb over walls. And you know what? That’s a good point. It’s a point I would have made if I had felt like it, but I’m very busy. It takes a lot of time to get the most votes in history, way more electoral college votes than Crooked Hillary. She only got, what was it, three? Anyway, we’re putting a roof on the wall. You can’t climb over a roof. And the best part is, the Democrats are going to pay for it.”
The Trump administration dismissed claims that a roof would seriously damage the environment as fake news, claiming that no studies have been done on a giant national roof, and that the roof will actually help stop global warming by keeping out the sun.
Republicans are in favor of the roof, with 82% saying “Whatever Trump does is a good idea,” while most Democrats oppose the roof, with 96% saying “Oh my God, we’re all going to die, that madman is going to kill us all.”
Trump later tweeted “Greedy dems holding out for skylights in roof, not gonna happen. Waste of money. Too easy for Mexicans to break into. #notfooled”