Trump Pledges to Keep Government Open At Least Long Enough to Give SOTU Address

WASHINGTON DC – The longest shutdown in the history of the US Government is coming to a temporary close as President Trump agrees to three weeks of fleeting government in order to make an important television appearance. After 35 days of the shutdown, Trump was not deterred by the destruction of our national parks, lack of border security at airports, safety issues, or hundreds of thousands of Americans suddenly going without a paycheck, but when the president learned that he might miss a chance to be on network television, he sprang into action.

The White House is insisting that their stance on the border wall that nobody wants or needs has not changed, and that if the ineffective and damaging measure is not approved, the shutdown will resume.

“Let’s be clear,” said White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, “once the President gets to be on television and go to the Superbowl, all deals are off. We’re shutting right back down until he personally wants something else. We may open sporadically for things like his birthday, or if the McRib comes back, but otherwise we are committed to destroying the foundations of our society as quickly as possible.”

When asked about their feelings on the statement from the White House, the response was not surprisingly split along party lines, with 97% of Democrats opposed to the destruction of the country, and 64% of Republicans in favor of the statement.

“Heck yeah, that’s why I voted for him,” said one of Vermont’s executive trolls. “Why do we need a government? What did they ever give us, besides, jobs, the economy, security, roads, bridges, schools, safety, transportation, freedom, and taxes? It’s time to shake things up! We don’t need any of that! Trump 2020! You know, if he decides to hold elections and stuff.”

Image Credits: Pool – Getty Images.

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