SOUTH BURLINGTON – Vice President Mike Pence’s plane landed at Burlington International Airport Friday morning, and the Secret Service requested that all the women in Vermont leave the state so that Pence could continue his policy of never being alone with a woman who is not his wife.
“It’s a small state,” his spokesman explained, “so he can’t be too careful.”
Pence has said that he is grateful for the privacy he was afforded when he visited Vermont last year, so he decided to make himself even more comfortable this year. Pence plans to enjoy Vermont’s nature splendors before they are destroyed by the climate change, acid rain and environmental toxins he so vigorously promotes.
Several hundred thousand Vermont women were greatly inconvenienced by their unexpected dismissal from the state. When asked if it wouldn’t be easier for Pence to simply ask women to wear a garment that covers them from head to toe while in his presence, Pence’s spokesman agreed, although he couldn’t image where women could find such a garment.
When told that burkas are commonly worn by women in some Islamic countries, and even by some Muslim women in the United States, the spokesman, reconsidered, saying, “I was thinking more of that red cape and white bonnet that Elizabeth Moss wears on TV.”