The Winooski

The Winooski

Locally Sourced Organic Vermont Satire

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Month: August 2019

Rebuffed by Denmark, Trump Announces Plans to Purchase Vermont

August 21, 2019 The Winooski 6

WASHINGTON – President Trump has cancelled his planned visit to Denmark after learning that Greenland is not for sale. We truly wish we were making […]

VT Legislators Decriminalize Embezzlement

August 20, 2019 The Winooski 1

MONTPELIER – Citing the rampant and common use of the practice, Vermont legislators have moved to decriminalize embezzlement, dropping the penalties from time in prison […]

Satire Writers Unsure If They Can Legally Record Court Case That Will Determine If They Can Legally Record Court Cases

August 19, 2019 The Winooski 1

WINOOSKI – New rules from the Vermont Judiciary that will restrict the recording of court cases have left some members of the media unsure about […]

Syrup & Cows #115 – 8/18/19 – Remote Worker Grant

August 18, 2019 The Winooski 0

Image Credits: Connor Byam.

US Borrows Money From China to Pay for Trade War

August 17, 2019 Kasey Child 3

WASHINGTON – As fear of a recession looms, the United States Treasury is borrowing more money from China to pay for the repercussions of the […]

Burlington Moves to Simpler, Faster 10 Step/5 year Permitting Process

August 16, 2019 The Winooski 0

BURLINGTON – Responding to complaints from residents regarding the length and environmental impact of the permitting process, the Burlington City Council has approved a new […]

Sanders Leaning Towards Selecting Cardi B as VP if Nominated

August 15, 2019 The Winooski 0

DETROIT – VT Senator Bernie Sanders is close to selecting a candidate for vice-president were he to receive the Democratic nomination for president, and according […]

VT Addresses Booming Deer Population With Abstinence-Only Education for Fawns

August 14, 2019 The Winooski 2

BETHEL – In a compromise with the VT House, Governor Phil Scott has agreed to address the state’s rising deer population with a series of […]

Governor Names Trey Anastasio as Incoming Phish & Wildlife Commissioner

August 13, 2019 The Winooski 3

MONTPELIER – Governor Phil Scott announced today that he will appoint musician Trey Anastasio to replace retiring Phish and Wildlife Commissioner Nectar Rorris when Rorris […]

Jeffrey Epstein’s Top Client Dies in Mysterious Suicide Next Friday

August 12, 2019 The Winooski 0

NEW YORK CITY – In a shocking development, recently deceased prisoner Jeffrey Epstein’s former client, billionaire Les Wexler, has apparently committed suicide next Friday, despite […]

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