Feline Street Gangs Menace Southern Vermont

BRATTLEBORO – It’s hard to survive as a vagrant in Vermont, and no one knows that better than Vermont’s strays.

“After a gang of feral felines attacked Fluffy and threatened my life if I refused to give them my pet’s Kitty Krisps, I called up my friends from all over the state to see if they were experiencing similar attacks,” said Pete Pettinger of Derby Line.

Pettinger’s cousin, Big Pete, editor of The Brattleboro Reformer, verified, “Our town’s been nicknamed Cat-Will-Burrow, after Puss and Boots and friends have dug their way into, and robbed, nearly every pet store in town.”

Citizens have been caterwauling as improvised towns consisting of cat trees and scratching posts have sprung up across the state. “I’m afraid to leave my house,” and “I scream whenever I see an unknown pet,” have become the refrains of scaredy-cats statewide.

A meeting of state animal control officials descended into chaos when the humans were surrounded by a thousand strays who hissed, “People are the reason we can’t have nice things!”

Shocked shopowners then reported the same menacing meowers politely purchasing cat treats with money the fleeing humans had left behind.

“These cat burglars are just being really‚Ķ catty,” stated Governor Phil Scott. We here at The Winooski have discovered that Scott’s people are in talks with some play producers in The Big Apple. “We hope to get these kitties out-of-state by enticing them to audition for a new production of the musical Cats in NYC,” he explained. “After seeing the movie trailer, it’s become clear that actual screaming cats would be more enticing.”

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