Ben & Jerry’s Sued By Unhappy Cows Over Wi-Fi Issues in Barn

SOUTH BURLINGTON – After a recent class-action lawsuit by their customers over their use of the term “happy cows,” ice cream giant Ben & Jerry’s is now facing another legal battle against the unhappy cows in question. As more information comes out about parent company Unilever’s failures to meet “Caring Dairy” Standards, the cows themselves are revealing further issues, such as lack of consistent internet access and Netflix streaming issues.

“The cows were afraid to say anything before,” says bovine attorney Dexter Shorthorn, “but with the lawsuit against their employers, and all of this evidence coming to light, they felt they couldn’t hold their tongues any longer.”

The cows are alleging, among other things, that there is insufficient Wi-Fi signal in the barn to stream Netflix and Hulu programs that they enjoy, and that they are forced to share one Netflix account, which causes problems when they want to watch different programs.

“If I’m going to be milked all day, at least let me watch Stranger Things while I do it,” said one cow. “Don’t tell me we’ve got too many screens open or whatever, just because the girls are watching Orange is the New Black back in the stalls. Also, why do I still have an iPhone 6s? I need that 11 pro! How are we supposed to be happy in conditions like this?”

Ben and Jerry’s responded to the cows by saying that these relatively new items are luxuries, and that cows just ten years ago were perfectly happy without any of these things.

“Do I look like a cow from ten years ago?” asked the cow. “I’m a cow right now, and if you want anything streaming from me, I want streaming from you!”

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