Trump Prepares to Pardon Several Turkeys

WASHINGTON – As the national celebrates a day of thanks for the help provided to our earliest settlers by the people we would later exterminate and marginalize, Temporary President Trump kicked off Thanksgiving Day by preparing to pardon several turkeys. Normally the president pardons only one turkey in November, but Temporary President Trump announced that he would consider pardoning additional turkeys.

“You know, one turkey, one turkey is great, and a lot of people have pardoned one turkey. But I never stop at one of anything. I go big people. If you know me, and everyone does, then you know I do things bigger and better than any other person, probably, who has ever lived. I’m not even kidding, folks. There are a lot of turkeys around that need pardoning. I’ve worked with a lot of them. Believe me. Turkeys everywhere. And they need pardons. Do they deserve to have their lives ended, just because they’re turkeys, doing turkey things? The Democrats want to kill all the turkeys. It’s true. And this from the supposed “I love animals so much I think people should marry them” party. So sad. Nobody pardons turkeys like I do. Nobody.”

While Trump has not announced the names of all the turkeys he will be pardoning, Washington insiders have their own probable short list that includes Roger Stone, Paul Manafort, Michael Cohen, and Rudy Guiliani, as well as an actual turkey that was recently appointed as a federal judge, but who is now in danger of being eaten.

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