State of the Onion Address

After President Trump’s State of the Union address last night, we here at The Winooski felt compelled to give a State of the Onion address, because Winooski, or some mispronunciation of a local Native word, supposedly means “wild onion.” An alert Winooski staffer correctly observed that if one separates the syllables of the word Winooski into their phonetic English equivalents, the resultant phrase is “win new ski.” This reporter, therefore, suggests that every Vermont mountain raffle off a pair of skis to increase winter resort revenue.

But back to the state of the onion. The onion is an appealing vegetable that, when peeled, makes people cry. So if The Winooski has ever made you laugh so hard you cried, or cry while laughing, please consider a donation so we can keep writing satyr (I mean satire, damn auto correct). Have you noticed we’ve gone down to three articles a week instead of six? Probably not. But we have. Because it turns out this takes up a lot of time and is not as lucrative as one might initially assume.

Please consider donating to us on Patreon, so we can continue to flow freely, like the illustrious river for which we have named our equally illustrious publication. Thank you. Generous support from our readership will allow us to purchase multiple pens for every staffer. Seriously, the one Bic the staff has been passing around since the magazine’s genesis in 2017 has almost run dry.

Every dollar helps. If you can’t donate, ask other people to contribute monetarily, particular your eccentric wealthy relative Ambrose; you know, the guy with the Swiss bank accounts? Yeah, ask him. Or you can signal-boost us on your social media platforms.

How do we know about your rich relative named Ambrose? Well, we here at The Winooski need to keep some secrets so that we have material for the next State of the Onion Address.  In conclusion, onions are mean and delicious. Thank you.

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