FAIR HAVEN – If you had asked Lincoln the goat about his species’ political prospects a year ago, he would have said that they were, perhaps, the greatest of all time. But now, just twelve months later, the residents of Vermont have done an about face and elected no goats at all to any sort of political office on Town Meeting Day.
“I’m shocked, honestly,” Lincoln said. “Have I not been doing a good job? Have I not cleaned up all the tin cans from the side of the road? Is the grass not always at the perfect height? I have no idea why more goats weren’t elected this year. The polls seemed to indicate that we would have more success, but I guess you can’t always rely on polls.”
The news came as a gruff rebuke, as votes poured in into the wee hours of the morning, each town reporting that they had not elected any goats to public office. The night was also dismal for dogs, cows, and other animals, all of whom saw their bids for office trampled by humans.
“Humans!” Lincoln bleated mournfully. “I mean, sheep, I get it, but humans? If there is one species that has proven, time and time again, that they are unfit to govern this world we live in, it’s humans. Honestly, I fear for the state, the country, and the planet at this point. I mean, I don’t know anyone that voted for any humans, but I guess somebody must have, because they got a lot of votes. But who are these people? Where do they live? How come I never meet any of them? Was there voter inference? I’m not saying there was, I’m just saying, it looks awfully suspicious, when everyone I know voted for goats, and then none of them won.”