VATICAN CITY – In a stunning message coming out of what can only be classified now as a disaster area, Pope Francis has announced that COVID-19 is a plague from God, designed to target old, white, conservative men. Old, white, conservative men are often claiming that various disasters are a judgement from God, but Pope Francis says it is just such statements as these that have caused God to bring His wrath to Earth to wipe out the scourge of hate being caused by these “self-righteous fools.”
“It’s funny,” His Holiness said. “Not funny ha-ha, but still funny in a way, that these so-called Christians are always talking about how this hurricane or that tornado or this other disease is God’s vengeance for things like abortion, or homosexuality, or something such nonsense. But it was all of that hate being spewed in His name that caused God to create an actual new plague that specifically targets older, white, conservative men. I don’t think the Lord could be any clearer. And you don’t see any of them claiming this one is a judgement, now do you?”
The new deadly plague does indeed target the elderly disproportionately, and it affects men more than women, but the Pope’s other claims were less clear to reporters, with one asking how he could support the claim that it was target at white people specifically.
“You don’t see a lot of this in Africa, do you? I’m not saying it doesn’t affect everyone, I’m just saying it started in Asia, where the people have white skin you know, and it is spreading through Europe and North America. Sure, there are some cases in the lower hemisphere, but it’s taking out mostly white people right now. That’s not by accident.”
A question was also raised about Pope Francis’ assertion that it would disproportionately target conservatives.
“That was not God’s doing, per se,” he pontificated, “but all things work together for His will. We live in a divided time, with some people believing one set of facts and others another. As soon as the conservatives called this plague a hoax and refused to prepare for it, I could see the writing on the wall. God will use people’s own stupidity against them. People who will pray only, but will not take medicine, what can God do with these people? People who will pray only, but think little? God has promised never to send a flood again, but He still gets angry at those who despise the poor, the hungry, the imprisoned, the stranger, and He will not tolerate those who do these awful things in His name.”
Pope Francis was asked why God was not also targeting the rich, and he replied that God was working on it. The stock market should be evidence that God is doing everything He can to level the playing field.
Jerry Falwell, Jr. of Liberty University responded to the Pope’s comments by smirking and saying “True plagues are reserved for sinners. I’m not worried. We’re not closing, and we’re not taking any precautions at all. This virus isn’t even as bad as the flu. It’s all a manufactured crisis designed to hurt President Trump in November. I would encourage all true Christians to intermingle and cough into their hands as normal. Angels don’t have germs.”
Image Credits: Mike L. Angelo.
Wait. Isn’t God an old, white, conservative man? Is he going to smite himself?