AUSTIN – At the urging of Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, the state of Texas will issue its first ever hunting licenses to anyone wishing to hunt down and kill residents over the age of 60. The move is seen by many human rights activists as controversial, but Patrick insists that everyone involved is extremely satisfied with the arrangement.
“Look, these hunting permits are going to make us a lot of money,” Patrick told reporters on Wednesday. “I’ve spoken to a lot of boomers, a lot of grandparents, and the thing I keep hearing is, ‘Is there a way I can possibly help the economy by dying,’ and we’re looking into as many ways as possible for them to do that.”
Grandparents around Texas have allegedly been calling the Lt. Governor around the clock, asking to die as soon as possible so that the wealthiest residents can make a few extra bucks. Our reporters were unable to find any actual Texans from the boomer generation that would corroborate these statistics, but Patrick insists that everyone he has ever spoken to is willing to die horribly in an effort to protect capitalism.
“I don’t know whut the hell he’s talkin’ about,” said 73-year old Saul Entgreen, a retired cattle rancher who has seven grandchildren. “I got a call askin’ if I’d be willing to be ground up into meat pies that the state would sell, and I told ’em to f*** right off, and they told me it’d be good fer the economy, and didn’t I care ’bout my grandchildren, and I said, yeah, I do, and you can go f*** right off.”
The hunting permits are slated to be released on April 1st, but anyone wanting to get a jump start on the process can fill out an application online today on the state’s website.