Researchers Split Over Whether We Will See More Babies or Divorces in 9 Months

LYNDON – Researchers at Northern Vermont University have produced two wildly different predictions for social outcomes at the end of the current period of isolation. In two papers, both publishing this week, psychologists working remotely have concluded both that we will see a baby boom at the end of 2020, as well as a huge spike in the divorce rate.

The team of psychologists were each given the same data to work with, but then did separate research individually from their homes, as they were unable to meet in person during this time of quarantine, and had trouble getting Zoom to work properly. Individuals sent in their findings to be published, but the end results were not at all similar.

Dr. Guy “Nick” Olligie, is quite certain that, come Christmas, there will be a huge number of babies born. “Coupled with the economic “stimulus” bill and a mandated stay at home order by our Governor, there has been a noticeable increase in smiles detected under masks and face shields of people I teleconference with from their homes.” Dr. Nick said. In fact, he has taken a copyright on a name for the new generation. He calls them Coronials. “Colonials were already taken so I decided to create and take a proprietary interest in a name” he added.

Over at the Milton Regional Medical & Birthing Center, CEO Meddy Carey, MA, MBA, PHD, LLB, RN, MD, agrees with Dr. Nick’s study. “We have contingency plans in effect which may include having the National Guard prepare a birthing center at the Milton Armory.” Dr. Nick says the spike could increase exponentially if there are power failures during the next twenty-one days, adding that just prior to the Governor’s order pharmacists reported a “huge” spike in Viagra sales.

In a contrasting paper by Dr. Mara Tilda Myes, a prediction is put forth that most marriages will be over by Christmas. “There are people in this state that have not had to spend this much time with their significant others since, well, since they were married. People change. Couple that with the enormously elevated stress levels, financially, socially, medically, and you have the recipe for the breakdown of relationships on a massive scale. People are trapped, and as soon as they have the chance to escape, you can bet they’ll take it.”

Divorce lawyers are working around the clock to prepare for their own projected boom. “People think this will be over in a few weeks,” said Dr. Myes, “but we’ll be lucky to be out and about in June sometime. It could be much longer. I’ve advised all the lawyers I know to stockpile not just toilet paper, but legal paperwork. And this will affect housing too. We’re going to need more of it, and quickly.”

The head of psychology at NVU says that both papers have valid points, and will both be published as-is. The university is not taking a side as to which they believe to be true, but will only say that they may both be correct. “Babies cause divorces too, you know.”

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